The B[l]ook of Hope: a foretaste

Submitted by vinteuil on Fri, 08/01/2008 - 3:11pm. Tags:

Culture

Every time I get started writing my (authorized!) review of K.'s work-in-progress, *The B[l]ook of Hope*, I just end up rereading, and rereading, and rereading, while laughing, and tippling, and laughing, and tippling, until I'm thoroughly exhausted by laughter and drink.

OK, this pattern has to stop. But I've already been rereading, and laughing, and tippling, for the last two hours. (I started early, today.) So I'm in no fit state to do anything but quote a bit, from my favorite of the three main characters: Donho Likkanen: a Finnish-American designer of bathroom & kitchen fixtures, who also happens to be the alter-ego of Lemminkainen - one of the three great heroes of the Finnish national epic, The Kalevala, and the subject of several tone-poems by Jan Sibelius.

Here he is, on a double-date:

"The job of a wingman is not just to fill a seat; he must also pry the ugly one from the pretty one so that his friend can spend time alone with her. So not only do I let this person rummage through my food with her porky little fingers, I am forced to actually make conversation with her as well. Here is a typical example:

"'Oh, you're from Finland? I've been there! That's where our plane used to land to refuel on the way to Europe. There wasn't a single tree.'

"'No, no, that is Iceland. Finland is a country in eastern Europe.'

"'Oh, right! Duh! You must be so proud of Lech Walensa.'

"Nature has at least compensated her by making her very rich. But what about the millions and millions of girls like her who are not? It is hardly fair. They should all sue someone for compensation! This thought makes my eyes fill up with tears. Likkanen loves all beautiful women equally, even the poor and the stupid ones. I sneak a peek across the thick white candlelit tablecloth at Lou and the whispering Palomino[*]. He is being very wry and amusing and is making her laugh. Oh Lou, Lou, I think in despair--how many times must I tell you? To bonk a married lady, you first make her laugh. To bonk a virgin, you must first make her cry. A woman who is experienced with men is always very bored with them; to her, laughter is an erotic distraction. But a young girl doesn't yet know she has a heart at all; to make her discover it, you must cause it to hurt a little. Lou is a big strapping sardonic guy who looks and even talks a bit like the movie actor Hank Azaria. Everyone wants to be his friend, and women like him very much. But still he commits this foolish gaucherie. And in a public place on a first date! I sigh with frustration. Hearing it, the Pig[*] falls silent. It is about that time she begins to drink seriously..."

(Emphasis added)

In all honesty: I think that Donho Likkanen is the greatest fictional tragi-comic character that I've encountered since Ignatius Reilly.

In fact, he's so perfectly realized that I can't help wondering if there isn't a bit of self-portraiture involved. Which is kind of a frightening thought...

*Donho has a terrible time remembering women's names, so he tends to rely on descriptive nick-names: "the palomino"..."the pig"..."the strawberry..."

God help the while, a bad world I say.

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If anyone wants a copy (#107460)

by Kierkegaard on Sun, 08/03/2008 - 11:17am

of the manuscript Vint has, email me at KIERKEG(at)excite.com, and I'll send you one.

This is an updated weaving together of the four main blogs ("The Real Mein Kampf" site wasn't made public for obvious reasons) with corrections and additions.

Despite all this kind praise, I'm not actually a very good writer. My first drafts are often clunky and awkward, so I have to constantly polish and re-edit as I move forward.

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Agreed, K. (#107542)

by vinteuil on Sun, 08/03/2008 - 5:53pm

If there's anything you're not, it's "a very good writer."

Before I started reading, I was all prepared to send you a polite response reading, more or less: "thanks, K., for sending along your manuscript. Obviously, you're a very good writer, but..."

Didn't work out that way, though.

P.S.: so how low must one bow & scrape to gain access to "The Real Mein Kampf" site??? And what's with the phrase "the four main blogs?" You mean - there are more?

I think that maybe I'm just beginning to get clear on the concept, here.

God help the while, a bad world I say.

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When I first started all this, (#107548)

by Kierkegaard on Sun, 08/03/2008 - 6:23pm

I conceived it as a sort of viral infection, a story that simply spread out over the web. I even based some of the characters on real friends, hoping they might want to continue, then expand, then go beyond, their 'roles' on other blogs, reference websites from them, even add biographies or false facts to Wikipedia. In other words, I wasn't so much interested in creating a traditional novel--though it was a challenge to imagine re-drawing the threads in again to do that someday--as a sort of new concept of internetworked fiction, since in a sense nearly everything that appears online as a fact is in reality merely a perception--and therefore a sort of fiction. In short, I was enchanted by the idea of building a virtual world based entirely on words, like growing ripples in a pond.

Unfortunately, I had neither the physical nor the inspirational energy to achieve this, though I still think it could be done in future on the web with other, more incendiary concepts, a series of false 'Ripper' murders where all the suspects deny and accuse each other online in separate blogs and forums, for example, or a 'ring' of very disturbed teenagers who all believe they are operatives from an alien galaxy. Or even a comedy hoax, hi-jacking the identities of various politicians and porn-queens and having their private correspondence inadvertently exposed online. Or all of the above in an inter-connected fashion.

In any case, once I started re-writing 'Mein Kampf' (and channeling that is plenty weird), I yanked what I'd put up already offline--my second draft is way better than my first. Also, I'm always doing new research. But no, just 4 threads now, that's all that can work in print. And even that's being plenty optimistic ;)

However, it's even more optimistic to assume that I'll recover from my woes of the past few months (too numerous and annoying to go into, the HBP was merely one) and actually get back in the saddle and finish this...

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K, I was just beginning... (#107558)

by vinteuil on Sun, 08/03/2008 - 7:35pm

...to get an inkling of all this.

Please, please take care of yourself.

God help the while, a bad world I say.

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Funny (#107143)

by stillnotking on Sat, 08/02/2008 - 7:13am

I'd love to read the whole thing. I hope K. publishes, or at least posts it somewhere.

The other day I heard that ignorance and apathy are sweeping the country. I didn't know that, but I don't really care.

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SNK...it gets much, much funnier... (#107242)

by vinteuil on Sat, 08/02/2008 - 2:14pm

...as the character builds, over time, and as you get to know him.

I pulled that particular passage almost at random, 'cause I especially liked the aphorism that I highlighted.

You start out thinking that Donho Likkanen is an absolutely appalling, deeply insensitive, self-absorbed jerk, who absurdly over-estimates his grasp of just about everything, *especially* including the English language...

(K.'s handling of Donho's less-than-perfect English is just brilliant)...

And, as you continue reading his Web Journal, you find yourself fully confirmed in all of those suspicions.

And yet...and yet...at some point - it's hard to tell exactly when - you also begin to get this uncomfortable feeling that the guy understands life and the world and everything better than you do.

* * *

And Donho Likkanen's weblog, or "blournal" is only one of three intertwining threads in the narrative.

There is also the weblog of a certain Ms. Hope Muntz. A slightly silly, though highly intelligent, young lady. I think maybe the average reader is supposed to identify with her.

And then there are the excerpts from "A Secret History of Swedish Magic," by Dr. Ivar Michael Praetorius, MD., ILL., LIInd Grand Master [of The Chantry] - who is, quite clearly, out of his mind, but who seems to be strangely in command of the whole situation...

Much of the fascination of the book (so far) lies in watching these three threads, ever so slowly, come together.

God help the while, a bad world I say.

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It's a little like (#107256)

by aireachail on Sat, 08/02/2008 - 2:59pm

findng some abandoned secret rooms. Inside the "lounge", all the lights are on and everything works perfectly, but it appears that nobody's been there since 2006. So whats to do?

Snoop!

And then you can get lost in there. I don't know how many times I've read through Don Juan in Helsinki: 18, but it's too fascinating to avoid going back to.

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - W. Somerset Maugham

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I hope it's OK with Kierkegaard (#107248)

by HankP on Sat, 08/02/2008 - 2:33pm

that I share this page from the Likkanen catalog.

I blame it all on the Internet

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OK, let's talk about sexuality in the bathroom! (#107249)

by BlaiseP on Sat, 08/02/2008 - 2:39pm

enjoy! Though stale in date, Donho Likkanen gives us deathless prose to masticate.

Hey to all, or 'moi', as we say in Finland, I am Donho Likkanen. You may not have heard of me, but if you perhaps have been invited into the bathrooms of any wealthy people with good taste (or sometimes their bedrooms too!), you may have admired my creations. I am the foremost designer in the world today of plumbing fixtures inspired by the human form. When I say 'foremost', I mean of course, I am the most highly paid. My fixtures are not for everybody. You can see for yourself if you can afford my luxurious fittings at: Likkanen.com.

Why am I put in mind of DJ Ruby Rhod? What was that honey? It was BAD! It had no fire, no energy, no nothing! So tomorrow from 5 to 7 will you PLEASE act like you have more than a two word vocabulary.

It must be green.

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That intro to Donho... (#107546)

by vinteuil on Sun, 08/03/2008 - 6:09pm

...is so absolutely perfect, when one goes back and reads it again: the smug self-satisfaction, the more-or-less correct yet awful English, the preoccupation with human eliminative & reproductive functions...

...& that totally-in-character punchline, where it's impossible to tell whether or not he's joking: "When I say 'foremost', I mean of course, I am the most highly paid..."

God help the while, a bad world I say.

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Hank Azaria! (#107125)

by Jordan on Sat, 08/02/2008 - 12:31am

I was bummed when they cancelled Huff.

Oh, and before I forget to mention it, holy c%#p! That's funny. Funny, but like, in a deep way, you know?

I demand more! Entertain me, Kierkegaard! You owe me, believe it or not; I now have a whopping sense of entitlement to more of this story! I'm like Seymour's plant. I'm like the In Utero baby. Why am I not entertained?!

Here we are now,
mashed potatoes,
It's a bookend,
and your anus!
Johnny Lydon
made us famous!
cook some procaine
frickin vegans, yeah!

aw heck...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPQR-OsH0RQ

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. -JH

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Audrey Jr.! (#107128)

by aireachail on Sat, 08/02/2008 - 12:50am

...in my favorite version (1960). With Jack Nicholson as the bizarre "dentist"! Absolute best stay-up-very-late-with-your-dad-and eat-popcorn-and-laugh movie ever made.

For more of K's story? Follow Hank's In context link. Big payoff for the diligent :-)

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - W. Somerset Maugham

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